Wednesday, January 16, 2013

You are Beautiful Inside and Out

Several years ago I set up a "Free Compliments" experiment to see how people would react to receiving compliments.  It was January 2002, and I was at The Himalayan Institute, in Honesdale, Pennsylvania, for a month-long retreat.  My research subjects were fellow retreat residents.

I had each participant sit in a chair near me, I looked right into their eyes, and paid them one compliment after another.  Most people started off squirming and looking uncomfortable; as did the other participants.  Some even wanted me to stop giving them compliments after receiving only one of two of them.  I gently encouraged them to stay in the chair, and keep receiving my positive messages.  What I found was that for most people, the longer they received compliments, the better and more relaxed they felt.  What began as nervous laughter upon receiving each new compliment, soon gave way to a smile, and then more relaxed body language.

Fast forward to the Spring of 2008, and I experimented with the same idea again but in a very different context.  This was a performance piece in which we were instructed to engage in a "Wrestling Match" as one of our sub-personalities, or alter egos.  We each made our own costumes, that reflected the characteristics of the sub-personality we'd chosen for the exercise.  

Most of the other participants chose to show an aggressive sub-personality of theirs; and they engaged in aggressive body contact with each other.   One person showed a depressive sub-personality, with very low self-esteem. She just sat on the floor with downcast eyes; her body slumped over. Her engagement with others showed apathy.

I had created a character I called "Lovely Love."  She wore a Band-Aid over her broken heart; a heart-shaped tiara made out of a paper plate; and a pretty pink sarong.  A couple of blood-red teardrops were painted with lipstick on her cheeks. She carried a pink-and-white polka-dot mini-umbrella, that she used to balance herself with.   
 
Lovely Love  was always helping people.  She was encouraging, supportive, kind, and met every attack with a pleasant compliment.  "You are so strong!"  "You're very kind."  "I really like you."  "You are so intelligent."  “You are sweet!”  Lovely did her best to get out of the way of physically aggressive attacks from her opponent; and she kept giving compliments. The more she gave, the more aggressive her opponent became; until the aggressor was the declared winner of that match. Though this was a performance art piece, and no actual blows were served thank goodness; it was nevertheless a little scary to experience just how aggressive my opponent could become. 
 
The next match was with the depressive sub-personality. This was interesting because instead of feeling lifted in her mood when paid compliment after compliment by Lovely Love, this opponent became more and more depressed. She just couldn't take them in. Finally, she stopped the match herself because she just couldn't receive compliments.


When all the matches were over, we gave each other feedback; and that is when something even more interesting occurred. The consensus was that I was “being manipulative" and “insincere."  Hmmm... I thought that I was reflecting back to my opponents the positive attributes I saw in them.  It also feels great to give compliments, so I was feeling wonderful. 

Receiving positive feedback from others is supposed to make us feel good; yet even though we were all playing our individual roles, their feedback to me shows just how strong our sub-personalities can be.

"You are beautiful inside and out." "You're such a lovely person." "I really love your energy." How are you feeling receiving these compliments from me?  Spend a day complimenting everyone you meet; and let me know how it makes you feel.  I'd also love to know what kinds of reactions you get.
"You are wonderful!"

10 comments:

  1. Wow. What an experience you had! and so sad that people saw you as insincere... argh.

    I am a theater director. When I directed Miracle on 34th Street and we have a game called "The Miracle Game". People would walk around the room, find another person, look into their eyes and say, "You are a miracle." I would say of all the experiences from that show, people remember the miracle game most of all. Some of them still tease me about it, but most really remember it with love.

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  2. I can't wait to start handing out heartfelt complements today! Dropping by from UBC.

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    1. Let me know how you get along Corinna. I know that you'll feel wonderful, because you are wonderful : )

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  3. That 2nd experience was part of an intense training I took, that was designed to bring out all of our demons. So out they came with no filter! Your "Miracle Game" sounds wonderful; and offered within the context of such a beautiful play is perfect. You are a miracle Julie : )

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  4. Great post! We all need to remember to be more generous with our compliments! <3

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    1. Thanks Emily and Shawn. Love your cover photo of the two of you on your Page.

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  5. Wow, that is an interesting experiment. We did something similar at a live event where we looked into other people's eyes and spent 60 seconds giving compliments and positive affirmations and then we would witch to receive them.

    It was amazing how many tears fell because so many were not used to hearing such positive things being said to them. Positive words are extremely powerful. Thanks for sharing your story! :)

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    1. I'm glad that your live event was so powerful Mike. My short experiment at the Himalayan Institute had similar responses. However, in the longer sequence of the "wrestling match" it became unbearable for some to receive so many compliments. Wouldn't it be a wonderful world if we had all, or could all, receive compliments regularly. You are cool Mike : )

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  6. Interesting! We truly aren't aware of how our shadow subverts things. Now I know why some people call me a Pollyanna when I'm giving them lots of compliments.

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    1. They don't trust your view of the world Liz, because it is not theirs. When I read Pollyanna as a child, I realized that I was just like her, and I am happy to be so. So let's keep on being the Pollyanna's of the world. Actually, I don't have another plan, do you? LOL!

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