You are Beautiful Inside and Out

Several years ago I set up a "Free Compliments" experiment to see how people would react to receiving compliments.  It was January 2002, and I was at The Himalayan Institute, in Honesdale, Pennsylvania, for a month-long retreat.  My research subjects were fellow retreat residents.

I had each participant sit in a chair near me, I looked right into their eyes, and paid them one compliment after another.  Most people started off squirming and looking uncomfortable; as did the other participants.  Some even wanted me to stop giving them compliments after receiving only one of two of them.  I gently encouraged them to stay in the chair, and keep receiving my positive messages.  What I found was that for most people, the longer they received compliments, the better and more relaxed they felt.  What began as nervous laughter upon receiving each new compliment, soon gave way to a smile, and then more relaxed body language.

Fast forward to the Spring of 2008, and I experimented with the same idea again but in a very different context.  This was a performance piece in which we were instructed to engage in a "Wrestling Match" as one of our sub-personalities, or alter egos.  We each made our own costumes, that reflected the characteristics of the sub-personality we'd chosen for the exercise.  

Most of the other participants chose to show an aggressive sub-personality of theirs; and they engaged in aggressive body contact with each other.   One person showed a depressive sub-personality, with very low self-esteem. She just sat on the floor with downcast eyes; her body slumped over. Her engagement with others showed apathy.

I had created a character I called "Lovely Love."  She wore a Band-Aid over her broken heart; a heart-shaped tiara made out of a paper plate; and a pretty pink sarong.  A couple of blood-red teardrops were painted with lipstick on her cheeks. She carried a pink-and-white polka-dot mini-umbrella, that she used to balance herself with.   
 
Lovely Love  was always helping people.  She was encouraging, supportive, kind, and met every attack with a pleasant compliment.  "You are so strong!"  "You're very kind."  "I really like you."  "You are so intelligent."  “You are sweet!”  Lovely did her best to get out of the way of physically aggressive attacks from her opponent; and she kept giving compliments. The more she gave, the more aggressive her opponent became; until the aggressor was the declared winner of that match. Though this was a performance art piece, and no actual blows were served thank goodness; it was nevertheless a little scary to experience just how aggressive my opponent could become. 
 
The next match was with the depressive sub-personality. This was interesting because instead of feeling lifted in her mood when paid compliment after compliment by Lovely Love, this opponent became more and more depressed. She just couldn't take them in. Finally, she stopped the match herself because she just couldn't receive compliments.


When all the matches were over, we gave each other feedback; and that is when something even more interesting occurred. The consensus was that I was “being manipulative" and “insincere."  Hmmm... I thought that I was reflecting back to my opponents the positive attributes I saw in them.  It also feels great to give compliments, so I was feeling wonderful. 

Receiving positive feedback from others is supposed to make us feel good; yet even though we were all playing our individual roles, their feedback to me shows just how strong our sub-personalities can be.

"You are beautiful inside and out." "You're such a lovely person." "I really love your energy." How are you feeling receiving these compliments from me?  Spend a day complimenting everyone you meet; and let me know how it makes you feel.  I'd also love to know what kinds of reactions you get.
"You are wonderful!"